The Anatomy of the Resting Douche Face

“I’m a bit of a gourmet chef. I love cooking – mostly Thai food.” – Will Ferrell

There is always that one individual at work or in the family that always looks angry or never happy.  Even during occasions that are cause for celebration we end up asking ourselves, why does he always look pissed off?  Why does he always seem like he is never happy?  What is that guy’s problem? And we come to conclusion that guy looks like a straight douche bag.  Well friends I am here to tell you that in actuality he suffers from “RDF” or Resting Douche Face.  RDF is a very real condition that afflicts millions around the world.  The name RDF is just one of many names for this affliction. Other more common names such as “stone face,” “resting a-hole face” and “Hey! That guy is a douche!” are more well-known in society.

RDF is a condition that progresses very quickly into full-blown RDF.  RDF sufferers spend a large amount of their time telling others how important, miserable, and tough they are.  These individuals are literally so important they develop full blown RDF in just a few weeks’ time.  When the RDF is not busy talking about themselves it is very easy them to hide among crowds, given the high number of RDF sufferers.

In this article I hope to help educate you in the anatomy, psychology, recognition, and empower you with the ability to help those afflicted with RDF.   Also, I will help you identify those resting douche faces that use their affliction to serve the Dark Lord and the forces of evil.  And together we can help bring an end to this crippling and often times nasty affliction.

Below we start with the facial structure of someone with RDF.

RDF

Facial structure of the RDF:

The cranial facial structure of the RDF is simplistic in nature.  The mouth is the most noticeable feature always flat, resembling a frown or an arrogant smirk.  The brows give the afflicted the appearance they are angry, not happy, or just plain better than all those around.  The eyes of the RDF are looking forward most of the time and usually hide from the gaze of others who attempt to greet them.  The more confident RDFs will stare down those they perceive as weak or silently look around the room judging all those in their gaze.  And the hair is more elusive and can be any style or fashion.

All of these signs are clear indicators of RDF.

Psychology of RDFs:

Those afflicted with RDF like to project a sense of importance, arrogance, sadness, anger and misery in doses and sometimes all at once.  The RDF is ingrained in the affected individual’s psychology with a primal urge to spread misery or their importance much like a virus.  The RDF feels their purpose on earth is let everyone know they are important or how miserable their existence really is.  Do not confuse the psychology of the RDF with those existentialists or nihilists who are legitimately dead inside.

The psychology of RDF is very similar to that of a soul sucker and a jive turkey.

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Methods of identification:

There are methods that can be used to identify those afflicted with RDF. Below is a list of a few of these methods.

  1. You observe that their face is in a constant state of douche.
  2. You hold the door for them and they do not thank you.
  3. You walk give them the greeting of the day and receive no acknowledgement.
  4. You ask them how their day is going and immediately they start telling you about how valuable or miserable they are.
  5. You ask them to “hold the elevator” and they do not.
  6. You ask them if the information you sent them helped and they reply with “Yeah.”
  7. In email exchanges there is no “greeting” or they reply with one word/sentence responses.
  8. You make a positive comment about their work and they ignore you.

There are many more effective methods to identify suffering from RDF.  The common RDF sufferer sometimes has the special ability to feed off the life force or auras of others.  Not to the degree that an energy vampire can but just enough to make others around them know they are in the room.  Others have the ability to literally “suck” the joy out of the room when they enter (Very much like dementors in J.K Rowling’s world).  This often times drains the energy of others around them leading to midafternoon naps at the work station or heavy alcohol consumption after work and in more extreme cases while at work.  Possibly the rarest of these special abilities is the ability to suck out a person’s soul through mere eye contact (Again, very much like dementors in J.K Rowling’s world, though I have not noticed eyes on those creatures in the movies. Wife forced me to watch Harry Potter movies. She is a fanatical Potterhead).  The RDF will actually use this energy to strengthen their RDF powers.  The most tragic side effect from an RDF possessing these abilities is that most of the time they are not even aware they are doing it. This further leads to their RDF growing more pronounced and aggravating.

Types of RDFs:

The most dangerous of the RDFs are those that are aware of their affliction and special abilities and use them for the forces of evil.  These individuals can leave a wake of destruction in their path and are actively working to spread their misery or sense of self-absorbed importance.  Misery loves company and so do the RDFs.  These individuals only have the desire to torment others with their RDFs and keep the affliction running strong and spreading.  They care only for self-gain and their megalomaniacal pursuits. Many of these dangerous RDFs answer to the Dark Lord i.e. the Dark Lord of insecurity and misery.  Some will moonlight as collections agents, social justice warriors or politicians when not working at their day jobs.  This class of RDFs also has the uncanny ability to fend off any unwanted attention and can actually adapt to the environment around them.  They use their RDFs as a form of cloaking device that allows them to camouflage themselves in the work environment, intensifying their already dangerous nature.  The good news for the general population is that these RDFs are few and far between.

RDF 3

Average RDF sufferers are much milder and are not as dangerous.  Most do not mean to project an RDF or to suck the energy out of their coworkers. They do this passively.  Being around the average RDF leaves non-afflicted individuals in a constant state of irritability and tiredness, but this usually subsides when the RDFs are out of line of sight.  This often leaves the average RDF feeling isolated or with the heightened need to display their RDF to others.  The average RDF is left with a longing to let others know how important or miserable they are.

RDF Intervention:

Most afflicted with RDF have no idea they have it.  And often times when brought to their attention that they may be suffering from RDF, many become offended, triggered, and secretly wrought with guilt.  RDF is scientifically proven to play havoc on the male ego and directly attacks innately Type A- personalities.  Those that diagnose someone suffering from RDF need to be ready for retaliation from the individual.  Be prepare for snarkier comments, your name being added to the workplace rumor mill and even a possible direct confrontation resulting in either a bat or knife fight in the workplace parking lot.  Rarely will those suffering from RDF attack you directly.  Typically, those RDFs who feel the need to retaliate do their deeds or plot their vengeance behind the scenes working ruin you.  I guess you could add backstabbing to their many malevolent ways/skill sets.

Taking on the responsibility of informing those afflicted with RDF that they have RDF is something not to be taken lightly.  Remember, you just diagnosed them with an affliction that could affect them for life.  You are a crusader for the truth and want them to be aware of their affliction.  You are a beacon of truth in helping them cope with RDF and finding the strength to endure it and thrive.  Continue marching forward and helping those afflicted with RDF by bringing them down a notch.  This is their beginning to the path of recovery or your untimely doom.

Treatment for RDF:

There is hope and treatment for those with RDF.  If you think you or someone you know is experiencing RDF, here is a short list of effective treatment methods for you:

  1. Stop being a selfish douche bag.
  2. Stop thinking you are the world’s greatest gift.
  3. Learn to laugh at jokes.
  4. Misery will only lead you down a path of destruction.
  5. If someone says hello, say hello back.
  6. If a person sees you, acknowledge them and they will likely acknowledge you back.
  7. Say thank you.
  8. Smile

To the rest of society, keep up the good work in helping those with RDF.  Being able to recognize the signs of RDF is important, so arm yourself with that knowledge and do your homework.   Because remember it is up to you to identify, intervene, and stop RDFs from dragging everyone else down. As someone afflicted with RDF myself, I am confident that by sharing my expertise in RDF anatomy, I am doing a great service to all. And while I have had it for years, believe me when I say, today is a new day.

RDF4

About the author: Bobby has been afflicted with resting douche face for most of his life.  He often times claims it is because of the cranial maxio-facial reconstructive surgery he suffers from RDF, but this claim is false.  He often time refers to himself as an “awaken RDF” wanting to make others aware just how dangerous RDF really is and how to stop it.  Bobby enjoys lattes, blogs, hand warmers, and key chains in the shape of human ears. Muse credit to Mr. Mack.

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